bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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