I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
