i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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