I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
