she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
