I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
