fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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