A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
