i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
