He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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