soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
