Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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