theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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