My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
