i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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