do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
