my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I enjoy the company of your penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
