Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
