Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
