i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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