I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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