Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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