My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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