I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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