it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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