I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
zippers are such a cool invention
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
