That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
