im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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