Where did you get a picture of my penis
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
