Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
