dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
