upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
