the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
