There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
