I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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