i just wanna soil my oats bro
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
