My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Everything about him screamed your future.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
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