I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
