he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
