im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
high people should be assigned attendants
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
