I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
