i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My ATM looks so different sober.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
