Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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