I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
