my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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