I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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