Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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