I am in a vortex of obligation.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
