I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
