Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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