i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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