My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
