Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
