the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
