rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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