In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
