My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
